A few years ago, a lawyer friend of mine was going through a messy breakup and career transition that also came along with financial concerns. After a few months I noticed that her heightened emotional state didn’t seem to be subsiding with time (that is to say, she was still really upset). When I suggested therapy, she said, “Why would I pay to talk to someone when I can talk to my friends?”
The most and least obvious difference between a friend and a therapist is the same: my friends are biased and aren't likely to give objective feedback or validation. On the one hand, this is absolutely lovely! My friends like me and so they are more likely to be on my side. On the other hand, it can be difficult, rude and unwanted for a friend to give you honest feedback, even if that’s what you need. Even if you wanted honest feedback from your friends, they aren’t likely to be trained on how to have that conversation in the most effective way.
Another reason a friend is a bad therapist is because everyone has their own goals and desires and your friend’s may very likely be different from your own, which is completely understandable. For example, let’s say your best friend at work moved to a job somewhere else and now wants you to join them. Maybe that move is what’s best for you and maybe it’s not, but either way, it’s likely that your friend will be, at least a little bit, biased because they want you to join them. Natural, lovely and, unfortunately, still biased.
A friendship is a two-way relationship with all the complexities that comes along with that. (Family relationships are even more complex, obviously – your mother is definitely not a good therapist for you.) A therapist, on the other hand, has only one priority and is especially trained to prevent their own biases from influencing the work. The therapist’s job is to explore the client’s goals and help the client achieve those goals. The therapist is trained to deal with any conflicting or confusing feelings that come up, with the client’s well-being as the highest priority.
If this seems a bit like having a relationship in a vacuum, that’s because it is. The therapeutic relationship allows the client to work out real world issues in a place that is safe from repercussions. This is a place for the client to take risks, learn new skills and practice those skills (and fail at them) without an audience. Then, when you are ready, your therapist helps you take your new skills out in the real world.
This is a role that is nearly impossible for a friend to fill. And I say that having many friends I would love to therapize*. But I know that my friends are better off seeing a therapist who can remain objective.
*Not a real word.
Note: For more information on the ethical issues of “dual relationships” see the links below:
http://drkkolmes.com/2009/07/13/demystifying-therapy-what-are-dual-and-multiple-roles/
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/dual-relationship-definition